DIAMOND JUBILEE DERAILED BY JON HOPKINS' ROYAL CLAIM

King Creosote and Jon Hopkins | 02/04/12

Image: King Creosote & Jon Hopkins - Diamond Mine Jubilee Edition

Buckingham Palace is today reeling from the shock of having unearthed a roaring twenties photograph that challenges our Royal Family's claim to the throne of England, and throws the whole Diamond Jubilee into disarray. The photograph, taped behind an old painting, was discovered in the attic of the home owned by none other than Jon Hopkins' paternal grandfather Frederick Herbert Hopkins, who then mailed it on to the palace.

It transpires that Edward VIII, in a moment of drunken madness, had a bit of a highland fling in the woods up near Balmoral in the summer of 1929, but when he'd sobered up and pored over the wedding photos, he realised that the bee beard beneath his new wife Constance's chin was in fact made of human hair.

In shock Edward returned to London and had the wedding annulled on some technicality, blindly accepted a date with the first divorcée that came along, and ultimately gave younger brother George VI the chance to become king in his place.

However, back in Scotland, the humiliated Constance hastily married the local gamekeeper, a man called Hopkins whose arithmetic skills never quite added up, and 7 months later gave birth to Frederick Herbert Hopkins, a lover of the Italian language, and all round decent chap.

Jon Hopkins is probably the rightful heir to the throne. How King Creosote fits into this is anybody's guess, but he does bear a striking resemblance to Jon's great grandmother Constance.

So, what to make of all of this? It's difficult to tell at this early stage, but pre-ordering the Jubilee Edition of King Creosote & Jon Hopkins' record Diamond Mine would probably help. Who knows?

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FILES BY KING CREOSOTE AND JON HOPKINS